The past few days have been screwed up. First – I am contacted by some random guy who is local that is now … my stalker. I have never spoke to him before yet he proclaims “I’m little Ms.Wonderful” and is demanding attention I do not wish to share with him. Than I receive a random message from a person who at one point in my life was my life. I reply and hear nothing back. So – whatever. Let it be.

The absolute, FINAL fucking straw – one question sparked a war. “Are you drinking?” – next thing I know my cellphone went flying and hit me in lower jaw. Are you fucking serious??? I can tolerate ALOT – but the moment you do something to cause me pain I see nothing but a flash of red and it’s on. Following was a broken door (because I locked myself in), another broken cell phone (I Just bought a new one a month ago!!!!), him in my face, and me begging for him to leave. I was trapped. No way to escape (he would block the door) and of course no way to call anyone for any help.

Finally – my neighbor and friend walked in, took the kids, I followed. Her boyfriend came to the house firmly told him “Out.” and drove him to the SRO. The SRO wouldn’t take him for whatever reason. So … I stayed at my friend’s and he did whatever (go to work?). I haven’t heard from him which scares me sort of. But, I’m okay and the kids are okay and THAT is all that matters to me. He can do whatever it is that he needs to do.

I have decided no matter what happens from this point on I want my blog to retain more positive aspects of my life. Of course I still intend to share my struggles and of course break-through for those who may wander around it later in time; however I just really want to be able to read back on progress.

I am not angry anymore. At least considering what has happened in the last couple weeks alone. The same old – lies, drinking, denying, empty promises, and last night ….. an explosion on his part where *I* had the last laugh. In his drunken rage he punch all the walls in my bedroom while I silently and calmly stood in the middle of the room. The walls are sound, firm, and apparently – not easy to break. In the end I just shook my head and walked away. What is there to say? Nothing. What a shame.

I have been slowly working my way through my co-dependent book by Pia. I am really trying to take the time to reflect on each chapter and each exercise so I finish it with the sense of improvement not being confused. I have also decided I have had enough with smoking. I have smoked since I was 16 – so 11 years now. I can’t stand it anymore and cost has nothing to do with it although I think nearly $9/pack is just ridiculous. But that’s good! Keep raising the prices NY – maybe others will save their own lives too. So, I called the NY State Quit Line and they sent me free patches to get started. My quit date is Friday Jan. 15th. I know I can do this!

I looked at myself in the mirror the other day and realized I haven’t been taking care of myself. I have allowed myself to gain back all the weight I lost last year (about 45 pounds), I haven’t had my hair done in over two months (I usually treat myself once a month to a trim), and just in general I don’t wear make up and hide behind my baggy clothing. No More! Damn it. I managed to find my yoga collection (I LOVE yoga!!) and my pilates DVD (Ok, I don’t love pilates but hey it works!). I am damn determined to start my new life with new changes that are positive and of course great accomplishments that will only add to my good health and well being.

As far as him …. well – being that I know the Judge who sentenced him prior .. I made him aware of what he’s doing. I also took the freedom to contact his probation officer. Enough is enough. It’s not that I want him to go to jail or get in any type of legal trouble – I just want him to get help before he dies. With every drink he takes he’s killing himself. I accept that I can’t do ANYTHING to change him or help him for that matter. But I do love the man enough to let him go so that he can find his way to someone that can help him.

I hope you are well!!!

I can’t find the exit off this crazy ride and it’s starting to make slightly crazy. Most of the time I can’t think straight because everything is racing around me. He drives me crazy with his mean spirited attitude, lies, stealing, put downs, reminders of my past wrong doings, and of course the occasional – “You know I love you!”. What a mess. How did I end up here? How do I get the fuck away from it?

I have spent the past week thoroughly thinking about my options. It generally ends in me breaking down into fits of silent tears and going into panic mode as I realize – he has RIGHT where he wants me. I don’t “really” have a job …. I have NO friends to fall back on … he’s drove my brother away from me … my parents are in no position to assist me in any matter – so what now? Me against the world with three kids. I feel that my frustrations are valid … I’m scared shitless … but I can’t take it anymore.  I can’t take the abuse …. the pain … the let downs .. none of it. I don’t want it.

I told him two days ago exactly how I felt and just why I don’t want to continue this marriage. His response was that of a 5 year old child. “Who will I hold? Who will I love? Who will I talk to?” I was speechless. Mainly because I wondered … have you not thought about this prior? I mean seriously! I have given him 11 years to do something …. SOMETHING!

Today isn’t looking any better … as I try to say “Hey bud – get the fuck out of my life… now not later.” He plays this mind game with me of he loves me, he has no where to go, the kids, 11 years together, whatever. His newest put down is saying that I’m bi-polar. Mainly because I have completely withdrawn from him. I wont carry on a conversation with him, I wont sleep with him, I do everything in my being to avoid him. Due to this he claims that the failure of this marriage is officially – my fault.

I just want him to go. I want to start the pain, get over the pain, and move on. He wont go …. so what now?

It just so happens that I ended up moving into the new place on the 12th. Bless the manager’s heart for saying “Hey … go ahead. Just clean & paint and you’re rent free until Jan. 1st.” Woot. Unfortunately …. alcho tagged along. Purely my own choice … yes … with regrets I must inform you.

His newest guilt trip “So after we clean the old place and have everything move you’re kicking me out right?” .. my reply is silence but my mind is saying in the most sarcastic tone .. “How did you GUESS? My gosh you must be the next golden psychic. It’s not like you have devastated my life, ripped me apart emotionally, practically abused our children in-directly, spent a majority of your life drunk, lied to me, and stolen from me. But other than that … oh yes! I’m meeting with the domestic violence advocate next week who will be arranging for me to meet with a lawyer to file for divorce. Good guess!”

Christmas sucked in a big fat way. I mean it was wonderful watching the kids open their presents … to leave Santa cookies and milk … and of course freezing as we slowly and carefully left oats & glitter (reindeer dust) all over the sidewalk. Christmas sucked because he drank. He drank the day before Christmas, the day before that, the day before that, and of course AFTER Christmas. The best being below …..

Yet again I had to leave work early as I came home early one afternoon to ask him to go to the store for our elderly neighbor to buy her cat food. There he was standing in the kitchen, happy as pie doing dishes with a beer right on the kitchen table. I didn’t even say anything. I just walked out and went back to work. Mind you I work with my parents … so I look at them and say “What the fuck now?” 10 minutes pass …. 20 minutes pass … my dad & I go outside to have a ciggerate and guess what!?? Here comes alcho. I can clearly tell by his staggering walk that he drank more in twenty minutes. Mind you alcho is a slammer. He will slam an entire 6 pack in an hour if given the chance. He is on a rage. My dad who is ignoring alcho goes off in another direction to offer privacy and alcho staggers upto me ready to brawl. He starts yip yapping about how he’s “going to call my dad out about being an asshole” and starts to approach my 52 year old father. Wow .. I saw red. #1 – He left my three children ALONE at the apartment across the street. #2 – It’s noon folks and he is drunk and trying to start shit at my place of business. This day ended in a 4 hour argument and him finally passing out while I tried my hardest to gather back my sanity.

He ruined the holidays and he doesn’t care. In fact, yesterday … he told me he was going to buy beer and did JUST that. I boiled on the inside but took peace in knowing – he’s only digging a deeper hole for himself.

So nothing has changed and everything is still the same. I am building the courage to finally speak out. However, I just know how it will end up … him threatening suicide, getting piss ass drunk, and going on a rage. Truthfully .. it’s like dealing with a drunk child most of the time.

The past few days have been hell. No and’s, if’s, or but’s about it. I am moving in three-weeks, Christmas is just around the corner, I have finals in college, and my “recovering” husband has been drinking all along – including today. I can’t figure it all out. To be completely straight forward – I just don’t care anymore. If he wants to drink – well than … go right ahead. But it wont be here, with me, around me, around our children, or anywhere near MY family. He has made his choices and those choices reap some heavy consequences.

It is my job as a mother to advocate for the my children. To protect them from all the things that could harm them psychically or emotionally. Here’s how it plays out …. last night I came home from work. Not even five-minutes after I came home my oldest son says ‘Mommy – daddy hit me with his belt two time and it gave me a rash.” I instantly go into bitch mode – especially when it involves my children being hurt in anyway. I verbally attacked my husband and asked what this was all about. He denied it. All of it. Yet … on the back of my 8 year old’s arm is a perfect welt from a belt. Than my husband proclaims he was only “joking” around. Fuck that is my theory friends. I will lash husband’s ass with a fucking 4 by 8 and tell him it was only an accident.

See … he can hurt me. Hell – he could punch me in the face and I would get right back up and stand on my own two feet. But the moment he lays a single hand on my child – he will find his world so twisted around that he wont know which way is up or down. I made my entire family (kids and husband) sit down while we had a serious talk about keeping our hands to ourselves and how even joking around with hitting people is not nice, ect. Seriously, I felt like I was mothering my thirty-year old husband. Ridiculous!

Today – I came home from work SUPER early. Husband was acting okay. The kids were acting like rabid apes. I decided to take my two little ones to go grocery shopping. When I left I had thought I smelled alcohol on husband but truly passed it off to be my mind playing tricks on me because he was acting totally straight. So I left. When I came back two hours later it was like a whirlwind – he was pissed off, violent, smelled like a god damn brewery, and being so arrogant. I played it out though friends, because I didn’t want another violent explosion like the one a few weeks ago that put three holes in my wall. My children have heard and seen enough. He eventually went upstairs and went to bed.
Being that I need to have the evidence – I began searching in places that he would hide beer that I wouldn’t have noticed. This is a good one … I couldn’t find ANYTHING!!!! Than … I step out on our back porch to let my dog inside and there it is – in PLAN view! He was so drunk when he went to bed that he forgot to hide it. Moron.

So between pissing on my back porch (which he did today), saying the cruelest things ever to me, being a complete boob, and just in general wrecking havoc on my life – I have concluded I am so fucking done with this bullshit. D . O . N . E

December 31st I am moving myself and my three children into the new apartment and I will NOT be with my husband. How this will all play out – I’m not for sure. But I need to start pulling my resources together … I”m sure the REAL nightmare will begin.

I’ll write more soon I promise!!! Thank you for all your support and please keep leaving comments. It makes me happy to see some one is reading this and cares. =0)

Things have been pretty similar to a roller coaster around here. There are the good moments, the bad moments, and the moments that are so filled with chaos that I feel as though my brain may explode into a million different little fragments.
The husband has had a few breakdowns or “relapses” – however you may want to label it. I can not prove anything with evidence, however I just know. I have been with the man for 11 years.

Thanksgiving day – he smelled like alcohol …. no one said anything because they didn’t want to ruin the day. Talk about outright enabling right?

Last night – I could just tell. He’s been stressed out – alot of triggers in the past few weeks. When I asked him to take an antaabuse pill he at first avoided the request, wigged out, than took *2* in front of me. Guess what!?! Antaabuse pills are white – not the same color as Ibuprofen.  He was busted in his own lie. He had nothing to say for himself. I pushed the issue, but he continued to get heated up. Last night was filled with moments of being rational than in another instant him being irrational. It’s just been a nightmare.

Add to the stress of moving. Yea – moving! Right after Christmas …. days after.

I don’t want to say it’s because of husband. But really – there is no other way around it. Landlord hates husband, husband hates landlord. *I* am the middle man. I’m sad though. I have put SO MUCH work into this house. I JUST finished re-doing my daughter’s room a few days ago. I can’t afford the house on my own though. As much as I wish I could stretch the money – it’s absolutely impossible. My landlord was nice enough to let me out of the one year lease so I could move. Hopefully without retaliation. Only time will tell.

It’s strange …. how in the past 11 years – I have constantly rearranged my life around husband and his addiction. This move – losing my house – having him act like a complete lunatic the past few weeks (which resulted in holes in my wall!!!) – have all proven that no matter how much you may actually love someone … you can’t change them. They can only change themselves.

Till next time!

So this lead to reading the following about Narcissistic Personalities …

Mayo-Clinic Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Psychology Info Narcissistic Personality Disorder Definition

… has little positive regard for others other than in a superficial manner. They believe they are special and deserve special treatment, regardless of the problems this creates for others. They readily take advantage of others, and tend to be quite arrogant. In actuality, they are very sensitive, and tend to not be able to tolerate any criticism or negative feedback. However, they often do not seek treatment, because they perceive everyone else as causing the problems, not themselves.

I removed a few sentences that I don’t believe pertain to my husband’s personality however, I could be wrong and not looking at it in the right way. However, the above – well … meet my husband.

Other things I have come across at one point or another that seem to match him …

Borderline Personality Disorder – individual shows a generalized pattern of instability in interpersonal relationships, self-image, and observable emotions, and significant impulsiveness.

Although this post has amused me in some sense you can go test yourself for a disorder – here. My results ….

Personality Disorder Test Results

I believe husband has actually remained sober. He has shown absolutely no signs what so ever of drinking. However, he still hasn’t created a support system with AA or a sponsor. That is disappointing because if he is triggered I don’t believe it will take much for him to run right to the store, make a purchase, and be inebriated before I can realize what’s going on. I have however, accepted the fact that he makes his own choices and I can not change or affect them. I am absolutely powerless over his addiction but I refuse to allow it to control me.

I have expressed myself quite clearly in the past couple weeks. I am convinced though that when I talk to my husband all he hears is “Meep, blah, blaaaaaah, meep, blah!”.  I haven’t said a word about drinking but I have went on & on & on about the mental games he plays. I call it the “I’m Sorry” game.

I have to tell you – I have always taken pride in the fact that I am a great friend. I am a quiet listener, I chose my words wisely, I am NOT a fighter, and I will be solid support *if* you should chose to show me the same basic level of humane respect. I generally trust people – not overly trust them, but enough to form a tight bond. I have never had an issue with making friends. That is how it all started with my husband … friendship which grew into a form of love that sadly has diminished over the course of eleven years.

Point being ….. over the past couple weeks I have pointed out to my husband that he lacks any respect for me as a person or his wife and it is so obvious that he doesn’t trust me. I am a firm believer that if there is no trust in a relationship (marriage, boyfriend/girlfriend, friendship) there is NO relationship – period. Husband proclaims that I am absolutely delusional and that he does in fact trust me … “kind of”. Here’s the thing friends, I haven’t given him a reason NOT to trust me. This trust issue has developed from his OWN issues of lack of self-esteem, no confidence, anger, & perhaps things that have happened to him prior to us being together. If I were to describe my husband it would include:

• Irritable
• Intense
• Illogical
• Offensive
• Possessive
• Unforgiving
• Ruthless
• Vicious
• Arrogant

I realize all those words are not exactly on the bright side but what can I say … this is how I would describe my husband if someone asked me. I find this to be a sad situation. As I point all the above out to my husband in hopes that something will click and he will realize that he is rather lofty – however he just stares at me with this vacant look as though I have completely lost my mind.  I don’t know if the man is convinced he does not wrong or if he realizes it and just will not fess up.

(I’m finding it hard to stay on a single though as my three undomesticated monkeys are hooting & hollering)

The I’m Sorry Game

As it stands I have been a gold player in husband’s I’m Sorry Game. Last night was a prime example … as I was told last minute about a training course that was from 6:30 – 9:30 than at class learned it was actually until 10:30. Regardless, I was asked if I was going to the bar about a hundred times before I left. Mind you – I don’t drink folks … only a rare occasion. So it was one of those questions that you just look at someone like “Where the hell did that come from?”. Than as I walked to the department I received more than a few messages threatening me … “I will be going to the bar to see if you’re there. Just so I know you’re not lieing.” … ect. He called my cell a few hundred times in the four hour period .. I was in class and couldn’t answer. Than I finally get home at 10:45 and he does the most offensive thing ever …. walks upto me and starts smelling the air around me but what was most annoying about it was how he over-emphasized what he was doing. Asshole. After he got to work I received ANOTHER phone call that resulted in him saying “I’m sorry”.

I realize these events may seem trivial but when you go through it everyday over everything – it becomes a terrible, stressful game. The worst is when I leave work or class late and have this sunken, aching feeling just knowing that when I walk through the door to home I am in for it. He is not psychically abusive but the man sure does know how to mentally fuck me.

I ponder this question every single day at some point. Sometimes, it’s the only thing that I think about alongside …

• Will I be able to support the kids without him around?
• How will I work – I can’t afford daycare for three kids?
• Will the kids be okay? Emotionally? Growing up?
• Will people think I’m a quitter?
• Will people eventually see the truth?
• Will husband see the truth and why I left?
• Will it be better without him around?

After being with someone for 11 years; the passing thought of removing that person from your life for whatever reason is scary. My husband however, has become a habit. Do not mis-understand what I am saying … I do love my husband however, I do NOT love my husband enough to continue living my life out the way I am right now. As I hear people say things about my situation – I find myself becoming embarrassed that I tolerate it. I am stronger, smarter, more determined than how they perceive me. I am not a scared little girl – although sometimes I do feel like it.

I suppose I can admit I’m lonely. I haven’t had any true friends, male or female in close to 10 years. Most of that is a direct result of the alcoholism & abuse of my husband. I was so wrapped up in fixing him that I didn’t have the energy to bring another person into my life. Add to that the embarrassment of my husband’s control & jelousy issues and you have yourself one loner wife who avoids all outside contact with the world minus working.

Husband’s issues are at a point of ridiculous to be honest. I could write out 100 examples for just ONE single day of the bullshit I deal with. I say it’s bullshit because in reality – these are HIS problems and I suffer the consequences. He has no self esteem, a broken ego, no confidence and I (his wife) get to bare the brunt of it all. It is NOT fun and sometimes just downright depressing.

I had this strange moment – yesterday someone said to me “Do you ever do anything else besides work and study for college? That’s all I see you doing.”

I got embarrassed. Ok you busted me! I have NO life what so ever.

I suppose it was a confusing moment for me because:

(a) I work so much because I have to, not because I want to. Like you I have rent, bills, and needs to fulfill for my children. Working also makes me feel worth something. I work everyday. 7 days a week … 9-14 hours a day.

(b) I go to college because I don’t want to be a waitress anymore. I don’t like people. Well, I don’t like people as “food service customers”. They annoy me, piss me off, treat me like a low life, and are just irritating. I hate being a waitress.

But the truth is ….

(a) I consume myself in ridiculous hours of work each week because I don’t have to be home dealing with my husband.

(b) I consume myself in ridiculous amount of college work every semester so that I am not required to pay attention to my husband when I am home.

There you go. I admitted it. I purposely over load myself. Not only because I like to be busy but because it helps me escape the realities of my fucking life.

This leads into the whole friendship thing. No one that has been a part of my life for the past ten years has been able to tolerate my husband. They get tired of listening to his bullshit, they get tired of my excuses as to why I can’t do this or that, they get tired of watching someone (me) that they give a shit about battling everyday of her life just to sustain the ability to remember to breath.

So I wonder …..

Is there life outside of this box I’ve been living in?

Is it time I step outside of my safe zone?

Would I be considered irresponsible if I finally did something for MYSELF?

P.S. – I think I’m seriously depressed and it’s starting to weigh me down to the point of insanity.

Love is much more than a risk, but is a risk that one can take and grasp and fall into a dark abyss or dig oneself a hole and only crawl back when you overcome your emotions.

I can not truthfully tell you I know where I am at right now. I *KNOW* where I should be at but accepting that reality seems next to impossible right now. I continue to blame myself. My mind plays these nasty little tricks on me. 50% of my mind says “You didn’t force him to drink, you didn’t force him to seek out someone new .. ect.”, while the other 50% says “Hey, it’s 50/50 .. you nag, you neglect, you drove him to do what he did.”

See – when husband was drinking I *did* neglect him … purely by choice. I wasn’t interested in dealing with him. So instead I would avoid him at all costs. I would take the kids to the playground, the state park, we would go for long walks, and just in general be away. I’m sure he was lonely. I don’t doubt it. However, with his choices come the consequences.

Now, I don’t neglect him instead I make an extended effort to show him that I *do* give a shit (although on some occasions it’s a forced effort) and that I *do* love him. I thank him for not drinking each day because I believe in my heart by acknowledging his accomplishments – even the smallest ones will make a huge difference. He’ll know that I recognize his struggle and strengths.

I have to admit folks … when I wrote How to Make Your Wife a Complete Lunatic – I was livid. Not just pissed off but hurt in a really deep way. Hurt because all the compassion I gave, all the effort I put forth, all the trust I tried to give seemed like a huge, fat waste of time the moment I saw his email account. It didn’t come as a huge shocker really. I believe in my heart my husband has never cheated on me but I do believe he has been tempted and has flirted with those temptations. (I’ve watched it, seen it, noticed it, caught him in other words). I don’t believe he’s ever taken the huge leap off the deep end by giving himself completely to another woman. But than again, I can’t say for sure. I don’t know and half heartily admit – I don’t really want to know.

Rather than be weighed down by the pain of “love” , there are too many wonderful things in life to experience. Love isn’t everything although there are many different types of love. Like the love I feel for my children I believe is the purest form of love that any human can experience. It exceeds the love I feel for my husband. But even than, realistically there will be a day where my children will no longer “need” me like they do now and they will move on with their lives. I suppose what I am saying is – I want to live for RIGHT NOW. For this very moment. Because If I continue to try and understand my past I will be living in it and if I keep on worrying about my future so intensely that I make myself ill I do nothing more than will the bad to happen. Instead I need to focus on each moment, of each hour, of each day – because the present it all I have.

Right now I am not positive as to what will come of my marriage. I do know that I love my husband more than I could possibly love another man … ever. Beneath all the shit – there is a man there that has changed my life in many positive ways even though it seems at times he has done nothing more than hold me down. What I am struggling with right now at this moment is the will & strength to keep on loving him. Maybe *I AM* the problem. You see I am convinced his love is true love but also infatuation. The kids & I are all he knows. He doesn’t know how to move on, let go and the mere though (as he’s told me) is as close to death to him.

I find myself in this really strange situation. Where I want to love him and I want to help him but, I am the one who enables him to be the way he is. Take away the enabler and see the changes. Complicated isn’t it?