New Year, No Smoking, End of Marriage ..

Happy *belated* New Year!

I have decided no matter what happens from this point on I want my blog to retain more positive aspects of my life. Of course I still intend to share my struggles and of course break-through for those who may wander around it later in time; however I just really want to be able to read back on progress.

I am not angry anymore. At least considering what has happened in the last couple weeks alone. The same old – lies, drinking, denying, empty promises, and last night ….. an explosion on his part where *I* had the last laugh. In his drunken rage he punch all the walls in my bedroom while I silently and calmly stood in the middle of the room. The walls are sound, firm, and apparently – not easy to break. In the end I just shook my head and walked away. What is there to say? Nothing. What a shame.

I have been slowly working my way through my co-dependent book by Pia. I am really trying to take the time to reflect on each chapter and each exercise so I finish it with the sense of improvement not being confused. I have also decided I have had enough with smoking. I have smoked since I was 16 – so 11 years now. I can’t stand it anymore and cost has nothing to do with it although I think nearly $9/pack is just ridiculous. But that’s good! Keep raising the prices NY – maybe others will save their own lives too. So, I called the NY State Quit Line and they sent me free patches to get started. My quit date is Friday Jan. 15th. I know I can do this!

I looked at myself in the mirror the other day and realized I haven’t been taking care of myself. I have allowed myself to gain back all the weight I lost last year (about 45 pounds), I haven’t had my hair done in over two months (I usually treat myself once a month to a trim), and just in general I don’t wear make up and hide behind my baggy clothing. No More! Damn it. I managed to find my yoga collection (I LOVE yoga!!) and my pilates DVD (Ok, I don’t love pilates but hey it works!). I am damn determined to start my new life with new changes that are positive and of course great accomplishments that will only add to my good health and well being.

As far as him …. well – being that I know the Judge who sentenced him prior .. I made him aware of what he’s doing. I also took the freedom to contact his probation officer. Enough is enough. It’s not that I want him to go to jail or get in any type of legal trouble – I just want him to get help before he dies. With every drink he takes he’s killing himself. I accept that I can’t do ANYTHING to change him or help him for that matter. But I do love the man enough to let him go so that he can find his way to someone that can help him.

I hope you are well!!!

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