Where’s the Exit please?

I woke up this morning in a mood. Not a horrible mood, not a mean mood, and most certainly not a happy mood. A mood of hopelessness, helplessness … sadness … dread – I am depressed. There’s no and’s, if’s, or but’s about it. I haven’t been to work in nearly two weeks – well I went in a couple days – but I couldn’t “deal” with people. It wasn’t their fault … I’m just withdrawing – I can see all the signs yet I don’t care. Strange isn’t it?

I can’t find the exit off this crazy ride and it’s starting to make slightly crazy. Most of the time I can’t think straight because everything is racing around me. He drives me crazy with his mean spirited attitude, lies, stealing, put downs, reminders of my past wrong doings, and of course the occasional – “You know I love you!”. What a mess. How did I end up here? How do I get the fuck away from it?

I have spent the past week thoroughly thinking about my options. It generally ends in me breaking down into fits of silent tears and going into panic mode as I realize – he has RIGHT where he wants me. I don’t “really” have a job …. I have NO friends to fall back on … he’s drove my brother away from me … my parents are in no position to assist me in any matter – so what now? Me against the world with three kids. I feel that my frustrations are valid … I’m scared shitless … but I can’t take it anymore.  I can’t take the abuse …. the pain … the let downs .. none of it. I don’t want it.

I told him two days ago exactly how I felt and just why I don’t want to continue this marriage. His response was that of a 5 year old child. “Who will I hold? Who will I love? Who will I talk to?” I was speechless. Mainly because I wondered … have you not thought about this prior? I mean seriously! I have given him 11 years to do something …. SOMETHING!

Today isn’t looking any better … as I try to say “Hey bud – get the fuck out of my life… now not later.” He plays this mind game with me of he loves me, he has no where to go, the kids, 11 years together, whatever. His newest put down is saying that I’m bi-polar. Mainly because I have completely withdrawn from him. I wont carry on a conversation with him, I wont sleep with him, I do everything in my being to avoid him. Due to this he claims that the failure of this marriage is officially – my fault.

I just want him to go. I want to start the pain, get over the pain, and move on. He wont go …. so what now?