The I’m Sorry Game

I have been absolutely over-whelmed with college, an added class of training for Fire Rescue & EMS, work, & of course my motherly duties. It has been absolutely nuts around here. At least in my own mind it has been.

I believe husband has actually remained sober. He has shown absolutely no signs what so ever of drinking. However, he still hasn’t created a support system with AA or a sponsor. That is disappointing because if he is triggered I don’t believe it will take much for him to run right to the store, make a purchase, and be inebriated before I can realize what’s going on. I have however, accepted the fact that he makes his own choices and I can not change or affect them. I am absolutely powerless over his addiction but I refuse to allow it to control me.

I have expressed myself quite clearly in the past couple weeks. I am convinced though that when I talk to my husband all he hears is “Meep, blah, blaaaaaah, meep, blah!”.  I haven’t said a word about drinking but I have went on & on & on about the mental games he plays. I call it the “I’m Sorry” game.

I have to tell you – I have always taken pride in the fact that I am a great friend. I am a quiet listener, I chose my words wisely, I am NOT a fighter, and I will be solid support *if* you should chose to show me the same basic level of humane respect. I generally trust people – not overly trust them, but enough to form a tight bond. I have never had an issue with making friends. That is how it all started with my husband … friendship which grew into a form of love that sadly has diminished over the course of eleven years.

Point being ….. over the past couple weeks I have pointed out to my husband that he lacks any respect for me as a person or his wife and it is so obvious that he doesn’t trust me. I am a firm believer that if there is no trust in a relationship (marriage, boyfriend/girlfriend, friendship) there is NO relationship – period. Husband proclaims that I am absolutely delusional and that he does in fact trust me … “kind of”. Here’s the thing friends, I haven’t given him a reason NOT to trust me. This trust issue has developed from his OWN issues of lack of self-esteem, no confidence, anger, & perhaps things that have happened to him prior to us being together. If I were to describe my husband it would include:

• Irritable
• Intense
• Illogical
• Offensive
• Possessive
• Unforgiving
• Ruthless
• Vicious
• Arrogant

I realize all those words are not exactly on the bright side but what can I say … this is how I would describe my husband if someone asked me. I find this to be a sad situation. As I point all the above out to my husband in hopes that something will click and he will realize that he is rather lofty – however he just stares at me with this vacant look as though I have completely lost my mind.  I don’t know if the man is convinced he does not wrong or if he realizes it and just will not fess up.

(I’m finding it hard to stay on a single though as my three undomesticated monkeys are hooting & hollering)

The I’m Sorry Game

As it stands I have been a gold player in husband’s I’m Sorry Game. Last night was a prime example … as I was told last minute about a training course that was from 6:30 – 9:30 than at class learned it was actually until 10:30. Regardless, I was asked if I was going to the bar about a hundred times before I left. Mind you – I don’t drink folks … only a rare occasion. So it was one of those questions that you just look at someone like “Where the hell did that come from?”. Than as I walked to the department I received more than a few messages threatening me … “I will be going to the bar to see if you’re there. Just so I know you’re not lieing.” … ect. He called my cell a few hundred times in the four hour period .. I was in class and couldn’t answer. Than I finally get home at 10:45 and he does the most offensive thing ever …. walks upto me and starts smelling the air around me but what was most annoying about it was how he over-emphasized what he was doing. Asshole. After he got to work I received ANOTHER phone call that resulted in him saying “I’m sorry”.

I realize these events may seem trivial but when you go through it everyday over everything – it becomes a terrible, stressful game. The worst is when I leave work or class late and have this sunken, aching feeling just knowing that when I walk through the door to home I am in for it. He is not psychically abusive but the man sure does know how to mentally fuck me.