The Roller Coaster Effect

I keep reminding myself that I need to continue writing in here. It helps me focus so much however, I find my time being consumed by college work, kids, the husband, and all else going on in my life. I’m so sad to read that some of my blogging-friends are closing their blogs. It really touched my heart to know that they enjoyed my blog and that in someway I managed to leave a small mark. Please don’t dissapear though! You know who you are.

Things have been pretty similar to a roller coaster around here. There are the good moments, the bad moments, and the moments that are so filled with chaos that I feel as though my brain may explode into a million different little fragments.
The husband has had a few breakdowns or “relapses” – however you may want to label it. I can not prove anything with evidence, however I just know. I have been with the man for 11 years.

Let Me Diagnose You …

In my previous post – The I’m Sorry Game – Kay suggested looking up Narcissistic which lead me to Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  Now what most don’t realize is beneath all the conflict  and self doubt in this blog I am absolutely passionate about Psychology however obsessed with Abnormal Psychology (Personality, disorders, thought patterns, ect.). Mind you … I didn’t mind reading about 20 articles pertaining to a few different disorders. Why? Because I am convinced I’m weird and there is probably a disorder for THAT too. My main concentration (or ultimate goal) in my studies (for college) is – the mind. The mind if the center hub for everything we do, think, react, affect, process … and that to me – is absolutely fascinating!

So this lead to reading the following about Narcissistic Personalities …

Mayo-Clinic Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Psychology Info Narcissistic Personality Disorder Definition

The I’m Sorry Game

I have been absolutely over-whelmed with college, an added class of training for Fire Rescue & EMS, work, & of course my motherly duties. It has been absolutely nuts around here. At least in my own mind it has been.

I believe husband has actually remained sober. He has shown absolutely no signs what so ever of drinking. However, he still hasn’t created a support system with AA or a sponsor. That is disappointing because if he is triggered I don’t believe it will take much for him to run right to the store, make a purchase, and be inebriated before I can realize what’s going on. I have however, accepted the fact that he makes his own choices and I can not change or affect them. I am absolutely powerless over his addiction but I refuse to allow it to control me.

I have expressed myself quite clearly in the past couple weeks. I am convinced though that when I talk to my husband all he hears is “Meep, blah, blaaaaaah, meep, blah!”.  I haven’t said a word about drinking but I have went on & on & on about the mental games he plays. I call it the “I’m Sorry” game.

When Is It Enough?

Question of the day … When is it enough?

I ponder this question every single day at some point. Sometimes, it’s the only thing that I think about alongside …

• Will I be able to support the kids without him around?
• How will I work – I can’t afford daycare for three kids?
• Will the kids be okay? Emotionally? Growing up?
• Will people think I’m a quitter?
• Will people eventually see the truth?
• Will husband see the truth and why I left?
• Will it be better without him around?

After being with someone for 11 years; the passing thought of removing that person from your life for whatever reason is scary. My husband however, has become a habit. Do not mis-understand what I am saying … I do love my husband however, I do NOT love my husband enough to continue living my life out the way I am right now. As I hear people say things about my situation – I find myself becoming embarrassed that I tolerate it. I am stronger, smarter, more determined than how they perceive me. I am not a scared little girl – although sometimes I do feel like it.

I suppose I can admit I’m lonely. I haven’t had any true friends, male or female in close to 10 years. Most of that is a direct result of the alcoholism & abuse of my husband. I was so wrapped up in fixing him that I didn’t have the energy to bring another person into my life. Add to that the embarrassment of my husband’s control & jelousy issues and you have yourself one loner wife who avoids all outside contact with the world minus working.

True Love Enables

Love? Infatuation? Lust? How would you define love?

Love is much more than a risk, but is a risk that one can take and grasp and fall into a dark abyss or dig oneself a hole and only crawl back when you overcome your emotions.

I can not truthfully tell you I know where I am at right now. I *KNOW* where I should be at but accepting that reality seems next to impossible right now. I continue to blame myself. My mind plays these nasty little tricks on me. 50% of my mind says “You didn’t force him to drink, you didn’t force him to seek out someone new .. ect.”, while the other 50% says “Hey, it’s 50/50 .. you nag, you neglect, you drove him to do what he did.”

See – when husband was drinking I *did* neglect him … purely by choice. I wasn’t interested in dealing with him. So instead I would avoid him at all costs. I would take the kids to the playground, the state park, we would go for long walks, and just in general be away. I’m sure he was lonely. I don’t doubt it. However, with his choices come the consequences.

Now, I don’t neglect him instead I make an extended effort to show him that I *do* give a shit (although on some occasions it’s a forced effort) and that I *do* love him. I thank him for not drinking each day because I believe in my heart by acknowledging his accomplishments – even the smallest ones will make a huge difference. He’ll know that I recognize his struggle and strengths.

Defining Moments

I guess you could say I had a defining moment last night. To my “not so surprised” <yes I know tacky ass English there George!> – husband came home this morning and acted as if nothing had happened and that life was as normal as it never has been. That is frustrating.  If he is so damn willing to sit right here and deny everything, even with the black & white right in front of him than what else is he willing to lie about?

By the way – what is a “Dry Drunk”? I have heard the term quite a few times now and still don’t know what it means. If someone would be so bold as to define it for me … please.

How to Make Your Wife a Complete Lunatic in Less Than 5 Seconds

How to Make your Wife a Complete Lunatic in Less than 5-Seconds

Step 1:  Change all the passwords to everything.

Step 2: Remind wife you have nothing to hide. When wife asks you to cough up the password – avoid answering the question until you can see the vein in her forehead about to explode.

Step 3: Remind her of how well you have been doing. Sober! Watch as wife becomes impatient.

Step 4: Cave in and cough up password.

Step 5: Hear wife pounding up the stairs. There seems to be motivation behind the heated movement.

Step 6: Dodge laptop that flies towards your head.

Step 7: Avoid answering wife or just maintain “I am Stupid” look on face and wife shows you YOUR email account that has not only emails from other local women but also a “Password Reset” email confirmation from a Singles website.

Wife has exploded into sobbing fits of rage. Husband continues to deny any wrong doing even though the hard evidence sits right in his lap. Wife points out this is the SECOND time she has caught him RED-HANDED with hard evidence on single’s sites and communicating in an inappropriate manner with local women. When wife says she’s done … Husband tells her she is absolutely crazy to leave him over something so petty.

Wife contemplates the consequences of murder if caught than realizes – THIS man is NOT worth even just a passing thought in my heart.

Wife is now accepting the fact that it REALLY is time to let go of Husband.

Staying Sober – 2 Weeks

I have been meaning to post. But alot like a herd of turtles wandering around in a snowstorm – I have been stuck in the world of edu-ma-cation with no escape.

Updates – Updates

The man is still sober! I say this with a tinge of  pure “awe” and relief in my voice. Two weeks now! I don’t miss …

• The smell of stale beer on his whole self. It’s almost as though it saturates everything in and on him. *Stinky!*
• Coming home from work to the kids freely running around like rabid apes strung out on caffeine.
• Off the wall drunken comments, slurred speech & the angry outbursts.
• Money coming up missing.
• The lies – the sneaking – the sadness that surrounds me knowing my husband is isn’t the person I married only a drowned, masked version.

Who are you?

So than I think … (I know amazing right?) …. who am I? I read an interesting article in Psychology Today about identity and how people can become so consumed in past events and future events that haven’t even happened that they forget about today – lose hindsight of who they are, ect.

Than I thought about my husband’s identity and the reality bug bit my ass – I have absolutely no idea who my husband is. Strange isn’t it .. that I married a man, have spent 11 years with him and gave birth to three of his children – yet I have no clue who he is. I say this because I notice myself reacting one way to him alot – “I don’t understand.” He speaks, I can’t process what he said and I react – “I don’t understand you.” Mis-communication? Who knows. All I know is that I have an idea of who I am but not 100%.

You Have the Right to No Privacy

An enticing article shared with by Ken (I’d happily link your blog Ken if you’d link your url) – How to Help an Alcoholic – I haven’t read the entire article but it seems clear cut, in understandable English & I’m going to read it in just a few minutes. Well after the coffee has smacked my brain cells awake.

“how you choose to interact with the alcoholic” <<<  Not only did that stick out because it’s in bold but it’s also a concept I have been struggling with for 11 years. I have almost completed my Outwitting Your Alcoholic read – I have so much more to share about my thoughts on the book. I also received my other two books concentrating on Co-Dependence. I must admit – I made it about 10 pages into the first chapter before I closed it. Not because I wasn’t enjoying it but because the intense emotional attack I was about to have was over-bearing. I am trying to bundle up the strength & courage to start that read. It’s hard to read a similar story to your own written in words.