I Will Not Give Up

My attitude today = “F&^K It” however, I keep reminding myself that no matter how bad I think I may have it there is someone else out there in the world that has it a helluva’ lot worse than I do. So appreciate what you have, don’t worry about what you don’t have, and keep it together.

The past few days have been screwed up. First – I am contacted by some random guy who is local that is now … my stalker. I have never spoke to him before yet he proclaims “I’m little Ms.Wonderful” and is demanding attention I do not wish to share with him. Than I receive a random message from a person who at one point in my life was my life. I reply and hear nothing back. So – whatever. Let it be.

The absolute, FINAL fucking straw – one question sparked a war. “Are you drinking?” – next thing I know my cellphone went flying and hit me in lower jaw. Are you fucking serious??? I can tolerate ALOT – but the moment you do something to cause me pain I see nothing but a flash of red and it’s on. Following was a broken door (because I locked myself in), another broken cell phone (I Just bought a new one a month ago!!!!), him in my face, and me begging for him to leave. I was trapped. No way to escape (he would block the door) and of course no way to call anyone for any help.

Finally – my neighbor and friend walked in, took the kids, I followed. Her boyfriend came to the house firmly told him “Out.” and drove him to the SRO. The SRO wouldn’t take him for whatever reason. So … I stayed at my friend’s and he did whatever (go to work?). I haven’t heard from him which scares me sort of. But, I’m okay and the kids are okay and THAT is all that matters to me. He can do whatever it is that he needs to do.

New Year, No Smoking, End of Marriage ..

Happy *belated* New Year!

I have decided no matter what happens from this point on I want my blog to retain more positive aspects of my life. Of course I still intend to share my struggles and of course break-through for those who may wander around it later in time; however I just really want to be able to read back on progress.

I am not angry anymore. At least considering what has happened in the last couple weeks alone. The same old – lies, drinking, denying, empty promises, and last night ….. an explosion on his part where *I* had the last laugh. In his drunken rage he punch all the walls in my bedroom while I silently and calmly stood in the middle of the room. The walls are sound, firm, and apparently – not easy to break. In the end I just shook my head and walked away. What is there to say? Nothing. What a shame.

Where’s the Exit please?

I woke up this morning in a mood. Not a horrible mood, not a mean mood, and most certainly not a happy mood. A mood of hopelessness, helplessness … sadness … dread – I am depressed. There’s no and’s, if’s, or but’s about it. I haven’t been to work in nearly two weeks – well I went in a couple days – but I couldn’t “deal” with people. It wasn’t their fault … I’m just withdrawing – I can see all the signs yet I don’t care. Strange isn’t it?

I can’t find the exit off this crazy ride and it’s starting to make slightly crazy. Most of the time I can’t think straight because everything is racing around me. He drives me crazy with his mean spirited attitude, lies, stealing, put downs, reminders of my past wrong doings, and of course the occasional – “You know I love you!”. What a mess. How did I end up here? How do I get the fuck away from it?

Nothing has changed & All is the same

Hello! Merry *belated* Christmas and the best wishes for a wonderful new year!! I have missed my blog and all of you that sit here waiting for me to say something …. even if it’s a bunch of non-sense gibberish. I’m sorry I have been off in la-la land between moving, Christmas, kids, getting the old place together for the landlord’s inspection, college finals, oh …. and the person I’m married to who is STILL drinking. Can you believe it?

It just so happens that I ended up moving into the new place on the 12th. Bless the manager’s heart for saying “Hey … go ahead. Just clean & paint and you’re rent free until Jan. 1st.” Woot. Unfortunately …. alcho tagged along. Purely my own choice … yes … with regrets I must inform you.

The Final Decsion

Good afternoon friends! I suppose you could say today’s post is the “final” occurrence of the archive. I do not mean I will not be posting anymore – I am thinking of changing the blog. Making it a more positive – happy creation as it stands, this is the new beginning I have been waiting for – for so long.

The past few days have been hell. No and’s, if’s, or but’s about it. I am moving in three-weeks, Christmas is just around the corner, I have finals in college, and my “recovering” husband has been drinking all along – including today. I can’t figure it all out. To be completely straight forward – I just don’t care anymore. If he wants to drink – well than … go right ahead. But it wont be here, with me, around me, around our children, or anywhere near MY family. He has made his choices and those choices reap some heavy consequences.

It is my job as a mother to advocate for the my children. To protect them from all the things that could harm them psychically or emotionally. Here’s how it plays out …. last night I came home from work. Not even five-minutes after I came home my oldest son says ‘Mommy – daddy hit me with his belt two time and it gave me a rash.” I instantly go into bitch mode – especially when it involves my children being hurt in anyway. I verbally attacked my husband and asked what this was all about. He denied it. All of it. Yet … on the back of my 8 year old’s arm is a perfect welt from a belt. Than my husband proclaims he was only “joking” around. Fuck that is my theory friends. I will lash husband’s ass with a fucking 4 by 8 and tell him it was only an accident.

See … he can hurt me. Hell – he could punch me in the face and I would get right back up and stand on my own two feet. But the moment he lays a single hand on my child – he will find his world so twisted around that he wont know which way is up or down. I made my entire family (kids and husband) sit down while we had a serious talk about keeping our hands to ourselves and how even joking around with hitting people is not nice, ect. Seriously, I felt like I was mothering my thirty-year old husband. Ridiculous!

The Roller Coaster Effect

I keep reminding myself that I need to continue writing in here. It helps me focus so much however, I find my time being consumed by college work, kids, the husband, and all else going on in my life. I’m so sad to read that some of my blogging-friends are closing their blogs. It really touched my heart to know that they enjoyed my blog and that in someway I managed to leave a small mark. Please don’t dissapear though! You know who you are.

Things have been pretty similar to a roller coaster around here. There are the good moments, the bad moments, and the moments that are so filled with chaos that I feel as though my brain may explode into a million different little fragments.
The husband has had a few breakdowns or “relapses” – however you may want to label it. I can not prove anything with evidence, however I just know. I have been with the man for 11 years.

Let Me Diagnose You …

In my previous post – The I’m Sorry Game – Kay suggested looking up Narcissistic which lead me to Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  Now what most don’t realize is beneath all the conflict  and self doubt in this blog I am absolutely passionate about Psychology however obsessed with Abnormal Psychology (Personality, disorders, thought patterns, ect.). Mind you … I didn’t mind reading about 20 articles pertaining to a few different disorders. Why? Because I am convinced I’m weird and there is probably a disorder for THAT too. My main concentration (or ultimate goal) in my studies (for college) is – the mind. The mind if the center hub for everything we do, think, react, affect, process … and that to me – is absolutely fascinating!

So this lead to reading the following about Narcissistic Personalities …

Mayo-Clinic Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Psychology Info Narcissistic Personality Disorder Definition

The I’m Sorry Game

I have been absolutely over-whelmed with college, an added class of training for Fire Rescue & EMS, work, & of course my motherly duties. It has been absolutely nuts around here. At least in my own mind it has been.

I believe husband has actually remained sober. He has shown absolutely no signs what so ever of drinking. However, he still hasn’t created a support system with AA or a sponsor. That is disappointing because if he is triggered I don’t believe it will take much for him to run right to the store, make a purchase, and be inebriated before I can realize what’s going on. I have however, accepted the fact that he makes his own choices and I can not change or affect them. I am absolutely powerless over his addiction but I refuse to allow it to control me.

I have expressed myself quite clearly in the past couple weeks. I am convinced though that when I talk to my husband all he hears is “Meep, blah, blaaaaaah, meep, blah!”.  I haven’t said a word about drinking but I have went on & on & on about the mental games he plays. I call it the “I’m Sorry” game.

When Is It Enough?

Question of the day … When is it enough?

I ponder this question every single day at some point. Sometimes, it’s the only thing that I think about alongside …

• Will I be able to support the kids without him around?
• How will I work – I can’t afford daycare for three kids?
• Will the kids be okay? Emotionally? Growing up?
• Will people think I’m a quitter?
• Will people eventually see the truth?
• Will husband see the truth and why I left?
• Will it be better without him around?

After being with someone for 11 years; the passing thought of removing that person from your life for whatever reason is scary. My husband however, has become a habit. Do not mis-understand what I am saying … I do love my husband however, I do NOT love my husband enough to continue living my life out the way I am right now. As I hear people say things about my situation – I find myself becoming embarrassed that I tolerate it. I am stronger, smarter, more determined than how they perceive me. I am not a scared little girl – although sometimes I do feel like it.

I suppose I can admit I’m lonely. I haven’t had any true friends, male or female in close to 10 years. Most of that is a direct result of the alcoholism & abuse of my husband. I was so wrapped up in fixing him that I didn’t have the energy to bring another person into my life. Add to that the embarrassment of my husband’s control & jelousy issues and you have yourself one loner wife who avoids all outside contact with the world minus working.

True Love Enables

Love? Infatuation? Lust? How would you define love?

Love is much more than a risk, but is a risk that one can take and grasp and fall into a dark abyss or dig oneself a hole and only crawl back when you overcome your emotions.

I can not truthfully tell you I know where I am at right now. I *KNOW* where I should be at but accepting that reality seems next to impossible right now. I continue to blame myself. My mind plays these nasty little tricks on me. 50% of my mind says “You didn’t force him to drink, you didn’t force him to seek out someone new .. ect.”, while the other 50% says “Hey, it’s 50/50 .. you nag, you neglect, you drove him to do what he did.”

See – when husband was drinking I *did* neglect him … purely by choice. I wasn’t interested in dealing with him. So instead I would avoid him at all costs. I would take the kids to the playground, the state park, we would go for long walks, and just in general be away. I’m sure he was lonely. I don’t doubt it. However, with his choices come the consequences.

Now, I don’t neglect him instead I make an extended effort to show him that I *do* give a shit (although on some occasions it’s a forced effort) and that I *do* love him. I thank him for not drinking each day because I believe in my heart by acknowledging his accomplishments – even the smallest ones will make a huge difference. He’ll know that I recognize his struggle and strengths.